An open letter to The Girls

(Before we get started, let me point out that when I say The Girls, I'm referring to the hens. Just to clear that up.)

Ladies,

You lead an idyllic life, for a chicken. You have a safe, secure coop where you get to roost every night. You get organic grain, which you often refuse to eat, in favor of other options like kitchen scraps, bugs, and fresh grass. Although you have your own waterer, with daily fresh water, you also make use of the horse's water and the dog's water, and nobody tells you no. You have your very own extremely tolerant guardian dog, whom you often use as a perch, which she tolerates without protest. You have any number of dust baths which you have dug in my front planting beds, and we don't complain when you go under the carport and fluff your feathers apres bath, leaving piles of dirt (and to think, I originally blamed the kids for stomping their shoes and leaving the dirt). I also didn't complain, even a tiny bit, when you got into my garden one day and ate all the bean seeds I had just planted.

All that I ask of you, in exchange for this fantastic life, is that you lay eggs occasionally (preferably in a place where I can find them) and STAY ON THE PROPERTY. Is this last request so hard? Your two acres are predator fenced. There's plenty of bugs and grass, leaves to scratch in, and everything else a chicken could want. There is NO NEED to wander onto the green space to the east and invite the coyotes over for a lunch of chicken nuggets. Your guardian dog can't help you if you're on the other side of the fence! There is also NO NEED to go across the road and visit my neighbor's yard. Even if she does have a deep pile of leaves to scratch in, she also has chicken-eating dogs (as far as you know, but let's not tempt fate, shall we?). Besides, I am fairly certain that your little chicken brains are not intelligent enough to look both ways before crossing the street, and thanks to our moms, we all know how dangerous it is to cross the street without looking both ways. And really, what is the point of crossing the road? You're only going to get to the other side - which frankly, is no better than this side.

Really, I'm getting tired of looking for you every evening and chasing you back into the yard. The calls from neighbors and the City (!?!?) to let us know that you have escaped are getting sort of embarrassing. So could you please, please just STAY HOME and LAY SOME EGGS?

Sincerely,

The Management

Digging in the ditch across the street! Really, what WILL the neighbors think???

Starting the journey home (and yes, I looked both ways before we crossed the street).

Taking her sweet time about it.

More than halfway there.

Back on our side - and contemplating heading back to the neighbor's side! Baaad chicken!

Following the fence back to the gate (which begs the question, how did they get out?)


Finally, home safe. Again. For the 19th time.