Friday, August 17, 2012

Tough love for a horsey friend


Recently, I’ve been interacting with a horsey friend of mine who doesn’t own a horse, but takes lessons pretty regularly. I’ve offered to let her ride several of mine (she’s a nice rider), but the ensuing drama surrounding Riding In General has really turned me off. I’ve tried to talk to her about some things that, IMHO, are really wrong with her barn and with her instructor. My friend defends the situation, even as she admits that there are problems. It’s like an abusive relationship – she won’t get out, but she won’t stand up for herself or what she knows to be right.

So I'm going to rant, because I am frustrated with the situation. I’m going to try writing this as a letter so I don't go too far off the deep end. You see, my friend reads this blog sometimes, so if she stumbles across this, I want her to know that I’m writing this because I care about her, because I know what it’s like to be poor but want to ride SO BAD that you can taste it, because I know what it’s like to see things happening around you that you don’t agree with but feel powerless to change. Maybe she’ll read this and think differently, maybe she'll never speak to me again, I don’t know. Maybe we've all been here?

So here goes.

Dear Friend,

First off: You are a very nice rider, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. Sure, we all have things that we need to work on – I have been riding for an embarrassingly long time, and there’s a TON of bad habits I have that need to be fixed (check out my sexy “chicken elbows”). Even so, that doesn’t mean that anyone gets to tell me that “I suck” or “I need a lot of help” in a condescending, insulting way. Instructors do not get to yell or scream at me, unless it’s because I’m across the arena and won’t hear otherwise. I am a paying customer; I am taking lessons by my own free will. I expect to be treated with respect, and I expect constructive criticism about areas that I need to improve.   It is not worth any amount of money, under any circumstances, to be insulted and demeaned. You shouldn’t let it happen to you either. It’s undermining your self-confidence, and that’s just not OK. 

Secondly: There is no reason EVER to ride a lame horse, unless you are explicitly instructed to do so by a vet (e.g. working out a stiffness, rehab, etc). If the horse you are riding, who is normally a well-trained, reliable equine citizen, is stopping at fences, spooking, bolting, and spinning for “no reason,” your antennae should go up. EVEN MORE SO if you and your trainer KNOW the horse has had a history of undiagnosed lameness. Granted, the horse is not yours. I also realize that you may not know much about lameness or how to diagnose and treat it. But now is the time to educate yourself. Has the horse been x-rayed? Ultrasounded? Your trainer tells you that it’s been “seen by the vet and farrier and they can’t find anything wrong,” whatever that means. Well guess what, just because there’s no diagnosis doesn’t mean that there’s nothing wrong. A horse can’t speak for itself and tell you it hurts, it can only show you in ways it knows how, to avoid the pain. That’s why you’re seeing those behaviors. 

 If the horse is lame, DON’T RIDE IT. If your trainer tells you to ride it anyway, tell her you won’t, and insist on another mount. I realize that you feel like you have to ride whatever she gives you and you don’t have a choice, but you ALWAYS have a choice. It’s your money – don’t throw it away on rides on lame horses. You can choose not to ride, even if you really REALLY want to (and believe me, I get that). The horse’s welfare should always come first, and I frankly can’t believe that any reputable trainer would have someone riding a horse that’s not sound. That’s just not right. You should question why your trainer is allowing lame horses to be ridden. By continuing to ride the horse, you are condoning your trainer’s decision to allow a lame horse to be ridden. Just stop already, mmkay? There are other horses out there that are sound and happy in their jobs. You don’t have to be a party to making this one more uncomfortable than he already is.

Finally: In life, communication is key. If someone is not communicating with you, instead of getting mad, be the adult, pick up the phone, and give them a call. Straighten out the situation BEFORE it has a chance to blow itself out of proportion.  I realize that even with the best of communication, messages get crossed and not everybody’s understanding is the same, but if the drama is avoidable, DO something about it. Watching it unfold is not cool, and doing nothing – or even encouraging it - is worse. Why create drama for the sake of the drama when a short conversation will get everyone on the same page. 

And speaking of communication, honesty really is the best policy. Tell your trainer that you’re taking occasional dressage lessons. Tell her you might take someone else’s horse to a show. If you feel like you can’t tell her that, ask yourself why. IMHO, you should be able to take lessons with whomever you want, in whatever discipline you want. If you wanna go take lessons on a cutting horse, why would your regular trainer object? Time in the saddle is time in the saddle. Besides, you should be able to tell her what you learned while you were riding elsewhere. Maybe another instructor told you something that really clicked and helped improve something. That’s a good thing to be shared. If you have to keep it secret… again, ask yourself why, and if that’s really a situation you want to continue with long-term.

As your friend, I really want to be supportive of your riding. I’ve offered to let you ride my horses, hauled horses to lessons for you, and even offered to let you show. But I’m having a hard time when you say you want to do one thing with my horses, then, when your trainer crooks her finger, change plans on me at the last minute. I’m also having a really hard time with the secrets, and with the way your trainer treats both you and her horses.  Normally, I’d say it’s not my business how you interact with your trainer, but when you tell me about how badly things are going, I worry about you. It also becomes my business because when you ride or show my horses, I get caught in the middle of a situation I don’t want to be in. I don’t enjoy the drama even a tiny little bit.  So while I want to support you, I need a little commitment from you, a little communication, a little reassurance that I (and my horses) won’t be tossed over at the last moment. And that means that you need to stand up for what is right for you and the horses you ride, and you need to follow through with your commitments.

Let me know when you’re ready to do that, and I’ll still be here for you. Because I really do want to see you be successful – and most importantly, happy – with your riding.

PS. If you're wondering why I haven't sent my friend this letter, I have actually had all the conversations with her already, over IM or in person. This is just sort of the "wrapping up" of my thoughts.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? What did you do? How did it end?

16 comments:

  1. Those situations are tricky. As much as you want to help, she's a grown adult and she's making her own decisions. Even when those decisions are intentionally closing her eyes and not making wise choices.

    Can't live someone's life for them. :-/ Best wishes to you and your friend.

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    1. SB, you're right, it's her decision and her life, she's an adult. The situation just makes me sad and frustrated. I probably need to take a big ol' step back and get some more perspective on it, though.

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  2. Almost every situation I ever dealt with that involved a professional trainer ended with some form of the drama you are describing. Whether it was me or someone else that was working with the trainer. Sorry to say it, but trainers who are kind, courteous and fair to their clients and are NOT threatened by said client riding with another trainer, are really rare. Trainers who ride and allow others to ride lame horses are not uncommon. I worked as an assistant to half a dozen trainers, and took lessons from at least half a dozen others. Yes, there are good horse trainers out there; it is far more common for a client to have to deal with the attitude you are describing. Obviously you can't tell your friend what to do--and most people just ignore advice. But after a lifetime spent with horses, I don't hang out with professional trainers any more (there's exceptions to this rule). I got very tired of the BS.

    I totally share your frustration.

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    1. Laura, wow, maybe I have just been super lucky. Most of the barns I've been at have had very nice instructors who offered knowledgeable, constructive criticism. Lame horses were absolutely not ridden. Outside clinicians came in often, and riders were encouraged to take lessons with instructors outside the barn. Maybe it's because my background is in eventing, and one's dressage instructor and jumping instructor are often different people?

      Currently I take lessons from two different folks - they both know about each other, and they're both fine with it. Maybe it's because I'm a private owner with a private barn? Maybe it's because they teach different disciplines? I don't know, but I really like the situation. Maybe I am just lucky, or maybe it's because, like you, I won't put up with the carp that is apparently really common.

      Why is it that the horse world is so full of crazy?

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  3. I hope your friend reads this post and takes to heart what you've said. She's very lucky to have such a caring friend looking out for her.

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    1. Well, she may not see it that way, but I really do wish her the best and want her to be able to ride and reach for her dreams.

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  4. Before we got our own place, we boarded at a big show barn (100+ horses). We had a lot of good times and made life-long friends, but I hated the drama, the conflicts, and most of all, the times when a horse's welfare was secondary to someone's goals.

    I think most trainers start out on the right path, but so many of them lose their way. To me, not only is it not helpful to ride with an abusive instructor, but it's wrong. By paying them, you are endorsing, enabling and supporting that behavior.

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    1. Terry, I've ridden at boarding stables and boarded until we got this place, and I really enjoyed the camaraderie and friendship. Yes, there were some conflicts, but for the most part they were all good situations. I just cannot get over the part where the horse's welfare doesn't come first! Maybe I'm just naive, lol!

      I rode with one trainer, years and years ago, who screamed incessantly and told me what a carppy rider I was. I took one lesson from her, said thank-you-very-much, and never saw her again. It is just not worth my time and money to be treated like that.

      I mean think about it - I work in corporate America. If we treated our clients like that, we wouldn't HAVE any clients. Why is it OK in the horse world?

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  5. ugh sticky situation! So agree with the comparison that it is like an abusive relationship! Riding should be fun (challenging at times)...

    Your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you who cared and is willing to help - by offering your horses and a way out for her!!!

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    1. Riding SHOULD be fun, and you DO need constructive (and timely) criticism to improve. But criticism can be delivered in a positive way, you know?

      I do hope my friend finds a situation that is positive for both her and the horses involved.

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  6. I've had the same issue with friends. In the end, I just had to look the other way. I gave advice, I rang the local animal rescue, I gave every effort to facilitate and help... but all for nought.
    It is especially bad around my area. We have SO few riding instructors- so the pickings are slim.

    I hope your friend reads this and re-thinks a bit.

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    1. Aw, LL, I'm so sorry to hear that you had to get the local animal rescue involved. That sounds like a SUPER sucky situation. I'm really sorry to hear that it didn't get better, and can only hope that maybe someday it will.

      It seems like you've got a fantastic instructor, you are SO lucky!

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  7. Unfortunately, I had to quit working at a lesson barn due to the issues you described. Besides general drama and a condescending atmosphere created by new "management", I was asked to give lessons on unsound horses (back problems, foot problems, limping, over-faced/overworked horses). When I tried to communicate in an effort to help keep our equine staff healthy and on four legs, I was told in no uncertain terms that my complaints were costing the farm money and I needed to stop. I asked if I was expected to use unsound horses in lessons and I was told "no". When I tried to explain how this was not possible under the given circumstances I was given an ultimatum, so I resigned the next day.

    Sadly, sometimes you really do have to walk away even when communication is attempted. Some people use horses as commodities and surround themselves with ignorant people (or people in denial, I guess) in order to keep their business. I felt horrible leaving the horses, but was more confused by some of my colleagues who were much slower to leave (months later). I guess everyone has their "button" issues, but, in my opinion, the well-being of the horse is always first and self-respect a close second. I do understand that your friend does not want to stop riding, but she has you and whatever dressage trainer she is going to. Doing the right thing is not always easy, but it is still the right thing. Believe me, I did not want to leave. I am not a quitter. I really tried to make a difference.

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    1. Oh geez, that really sucks Val. I know you must have felt awful leaving the horses, but sometimes if you cannot change the situation, it's just best to get out. You can't fix the world, much as we might like to. I have no doubt you did everything you could to make a difference - you treat Harley like a Horse Prince and I know you would do the same for any equine under your care. Hopefully someday the barn you are talking about will see the light and begin to take better care of their equines. As for your colleagues, I'm glad they figured it out too, even if it took them a while to do so.

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  8. This is all very good advice. Tough love is the hardest to give, but it's so very necessary sometimes.

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